10 years

it's now taken me several days to sit down and write this post.  partly because i am in shock that it has been ten years and partly because your brothers and sister don't make it easy to just sit down and get something done.  that's the beauty of it i guess, just being too busy to be sad.  i would have never thought that ten years could pass so quickly.  all those years ago on this day i would have told you i would never smile or be truly happy again.  i remember every single moment of that day.  every sound, every smell, everything.  loosing a child is a pain that cannot be explained.  the actual physical feeling of loss never goes away.  but much to my surprise i can say that i did smile again.   and i do feel truly happy.  but there are times when someone asks me how many kids i have and i stumble over the answer.  how many do i have here with me or how many do i have forever in my heart and soul?  i have 4 beautiful children.  you can't actually see one of them right now but i do everyday in my 3 who are here.  just when i think i'm going to be sad he sends me a sign not to be.  that sign may be his crying sister but i know it was just the distraction i needed.  this morning when i was woken up by the dog (who doesn't really get up in the middle of the night anymore) i looked at the time on the wall.  4:11.  your birthday.  it could've been totally random, but i choose the believe it was you.  you knew this day was approaching and i needed to know you're ok.  and i do know it.  as much as i wish you were here with us and we didn't have to have this day burned in our memories,  i have to believe you are in a much better place.  so, happy heaven day sweet cooper.  we miss you every second of every day.

our 3 little pieces of joy here on earth