at 9:27 pm it'll be seven years.  seven years since we saw our son take his final breath on earth.  seven years since we told him it was ok to leave, ok to let go, to be free from tubes, machines, medicine and pain.  he was here with us for 40 days.  it was a miracle he was here that long.  but as much as i miss seeing his sweet face and the idea of my sweet twin boys i have hope that i will see him again one day.  he is happy and healthy and waiting for us.  until that day comes i have three daily reminders of our cooper.  i really think that shelby and brooks look just like he would have.  i can see his sweet little face in both of them.  and carson.  oh, my carson.  carson carries him in his heart and it's what gives him his amazing personality.  how else would anyone deal with what he does on a daily basis with that amazing smile.  that smile gets me through some tough days and his guardian angel is what is behind it all.

 i'm not going to lie, there are still some really hard days.  loosing a child is far and away the worst pain any parent could ever feel.  and it's something that never goes away.  never eases.  some days it feels like an elephant is standing on my chest.  it's hard to breath in and out.  i would have given my life for him to live.  for them both to be here together.  all of my babies together.  but that's not the way our story goes and for now i have to deal with that.  one day, though, i will have a lot of questions to ask someone who has all the answers.

till then this kid makes it all better.  he is my silver lining on my dark days like today.  how could this face not make it all better.  thank you God for our carson.  you make us all smile.