sail on

i must admit that i posted this picture the other night on Facebook with a slightly heavy heart.  you see, not too long after taking this picture things changed for carson in the blink of an eye.  i'll start off by saying he's ok.  but he gave us all a pretty good scare.  last night (tuesday, march 11) we were at the baseball fields watching brooks play tee ball.  carson had come from his two hours of therapy and was ready to cut loose.  he was playing on the playground, cheering brooks on and running.  and i mean running laps and not stopping.  the kid loves to run.  forest gump style.  he just keeps running.  i had shelby strapped to me with the baby carrier and was watching brooks play in the outfield.  not really playing baseball, more like playing.  carson had just finished another lap and he came and sat down next to me.  he looked a little pale and said he wanted to go home, that he was tired.  and then he shivered.  i looked at him and his eyes were turned up to the left.  i thought it was strange so i got in front of him and asked for him to look at me.  he clearly could not move his eyes and was looking up to the sky.  he was having a seizure.  i knew it right away.  a few seconds later he started to cry and said he wanted to lay down.  my mom instinct kicked in and i was all business (with a little fear, who wouldn't be scared?).  i called his neurosurgeon thinking that maybe his shunt was malfunctioning.  we got him to the car and pulled brooks off the field (don't worry, brooks is not really what we would call a "key" player on the field.  i don't think his coaches were that upset he had to leave).

thank goodness both sets of grandparents were at the game and were all able to help out.  poor shelby got ripped out of her comfy sling and handed over which she did not like.  i could see that she was crying but honestly i couldn't focus on anything but carson.  i had no idea what was going on and i wanted him to be back to his old self.  as soon as we had the two younger kids squared away with my mom and andrew's mom we were off to children's.  carson slept the whole way there on my shoulder and i just held on to him.  my very first born.  my miracle.  nothing could happen to him, i will not allow it.

so long night cut short, his shunt is working fine.  he had a seizure.  we're not sure why but kids with cp can have seizures and we've been lucky to not have had any till now.  we were released from the ER after a dose of anti seizure medicine and orders to follow up with our neurologist the next day, which we have done.  he had a follow up on wednesday and an EEG.  he looked so silly with all those wires coming off his head.  he did good, sat still for the most part.  of course i sat and stared at the computer screen trying to decipher all the lines.  i have no clue what i was looking at but the more i looked the more nervous i got.  what were all those lines saying?  what was she writing down and she was looking at them?  why did she look at carson?  you could really drive yourself insane asking all these questions which is what i did.  i just have to let it go, right?  just let it be.  and pray.  pray for things to come back looking good.  pray that i never have to see carson have another seizure.  pray that i can sleep at night without worrying about what's going to happen because i have no control over it, right?  easier said than done.  i know that once i hear back from our neurologist i'll feel better, be able to plan out what comes next and how we'll handle it all.  the best part is that i'm too busy these days to worry.  i have 3 kids to take care of and they stop for nothing.  my 3 little saviors, they keep me smiling and laughing.  thank you God for them!