three years ago today, at 9:27 in the evening, andrew and i said goodbye to our baby boy, cooper phillips hess. it was and still is by far the worst day of my life. there isn't a day that goes by that he does not cross my mind in some way. some days are easier than others, some days it's all i can do to get out of bed. but every time i look into carson's eyes i can see part of his twin brother. sometimes carson says things that at first don't make sense but then i realize who is actually talking. i know it sounds crazy, but it's the only way i can explain it. i don't want to share the things he says, i'd like to keep that between us. for a long time i questioned what or who was in control, i still question it. but every time i seem to have doubt, it is made clear to me in some way. so i guess for now i'll just have to believe that there is something better that comes next and that cooper is there, waiting for us, so that we can be a whole family again.

my friend, delaney, sent me this poem when she found out cooper had died. she lost her mom a few months before very suddenly. i go back every now and then and read the poem just because it's so true. if you could, after reading this post just stop for a few seconds and think of our precious little one who is not here with us, oh how we miss him so much! love to all of you who have kept up with us. ~Lauren~


"The Cord"

We are connected,
My child and I, by
An invisible cord
Not seen by the eye.

It's not like the cord
That connects us 'til birth
This cord can't be seen
By any on Earth.

This cord does its work
Right from the start.
It binds us together
Attached to my heart.

I know that it's there
Though no one can see
The invisible cord
From my child to me.

The strength of this cord
Is hard to describe.
It can't be destroyed
It can't be denied.

It's stronger than any cord
Man could create
It withstands the test
Can hold any weight.

And though you are gone,
Though you're not here with me,
The cord is still there
But no one can see.

It pulls at my heart
I am bruised...I am sore,
But this cord is my lifeline
As never before.

I am thankful that God
Connects us this way
A mother and child
Death can't take it away!

Author Unknown