the playgroup from you-know-where!

i mentioned a few posts ago that i was taking the boys to a playgroup for the first time to let them be around some kids their age and for me to meet some other moms in my area with kids the same age as mine. well, we did it last thursday. it did not go well at all. saying it didn't go well isn't doing it justice either, it was horrible. not in the fact that the group was bad, it was my two sweet little boys that were causing the trouble. i know, i know, impossible but it's true.

we got their a bit early so that i could figure out where to go. carson was clinging (and i mean with a death grip) to my leg. i kept asking him if he wanted to go play and his immediate response was, "NO" i didn't think too much of this since every answer he gives these days is no. i got them their name tags and took them back to where the kids play. i thought i would drop off brooks first so that i could have an arm free to handle carson. now at this point i should have known it wasn't going to go well. as soon as i handed B over he gave me this look like, "whoa, where do you think you are going." i walked carson across the hall to his room and showed him the toys, that seemed to make him a little more at ease.

as i do with everyone, i began to tell the sweet woman who was watching the kids our story. i need to stop doing this but i can't. so, i explain to her that carson was born at 26 weeks, spent 3 months in the hospital but is doing very well. he wears braces and will walk with help. i haven't really left him before and he needs to learn to socialize with kids his age etc, etc, etc. after i finish i feel like such a spaz! anyway, i see that carson seems content for the minute and i walk away, not without checking on brooks one more time (you can tell i am new at this) and i see that he is a bit weepy but think he will be fine. i walk off to where the other moms are all meeting (who have dropped off their kids without the huge production that i just did and are enjoying yummy treats and coffee without a care in the world, or so it seems to me). I check in and get my own name tag and sit down at a table of women.

now, if you know me, you know that i am not one to jump up and make a name for myself right away. i am perfectly fine sitting back and taking it all in before i feel comfortable. which is exactly what i did (at first, at least. by the time i left i'm sure everyone knew who i was . keep reading) . i could tell that most of the women had been here for a while and all knew one another. one mom did come up to me and tell me that she just started a few months ago and she was as nervous as i was (did i really look that sad?) and she checked on her son like 15 times the first time she came. aha! i can go check on the boys. this mom was really sweet but i wish she hadn't told me that. so off i went to check on them. as i made my way out of the door i could hear brooks crying. when i got to the door the lady said he was fine, just a bit sad and for me to head on back, she could take care of it. just as i was passing carson's door he spotted me. "it's mom, go find mom, go find mom." as he is saying this i can see the door handle jiggling because he is trying to open it. it took all of my will power to keep walking and go back to the room with the moms.

once i sat down i almost lost it right there. my babies needed me and i was ignoring them! the mom next to me could see that i was upset and told me not to worry, it happened to everyone. that i needed to enjoy myself and let the ladies watching the kids take care of mine for a bit. now this goes against everything i have believed for the last 3 years! i am the one to take care of my boys, they need me not someone else, but i agreed and tried to make conversation.

they had a really great speaker who is a marriage counselor who was talking about something, i say "something" because i have NO idea what she was saying. the whole time i was desperately trying to not hear both of my kids screaming. i got up and went to see what was wrong. someone had a hold of carson in one room trying to calm him down and someone had brooks in another doing the same. of the two, brooks sounded worse so i went to him first. he was inconsolable. he was just beside himself. i never would have guessed he would have been the one who was worse off so i tried for a few minutes to get him to calm down. i even contemplated taking both of them and leaving, i mean this was just awful and clearly not normal. but someone came and said to let them try to calm him down in the other room and for me to go back and enjoy myself. enjoy myself? now how am i supposed to do that at this point? i walked passed carson's door and looked at the nice lady who was holding him and burst in to tears. i must have looked like the biggest mess of a mom. she swore to me that this happens to almost everyone. every kid has a melt down the first time and mine are no different. why does that always make you feel better, when you hear that other kids have done the same thing? but it did, i told her that they just hadn't had the chance to get out to play with other kids and just be kids because of all we have been through but that is all i want for them, to just be like every other kid and play. to not have to go to physical and occupational therapy four times a week, to not have to take 7 doses of medicine a day, to not always be labeled a "micro preemie" or "kid with extremely rare heart defect" but to just be boys.

so again, i left and went back (after taking a moment to calm myself down) and sat down to try and listen to what the speaker had to say. i'm sure it was very helpful and informative but i didn't hear a word. the other moms at my table could see i was upset and went to check on the boys for me a couple of times. finally, one came back and said the baby was asleep in some one's arms and carson was sitting with another lady playing with the toys.

finally, it was 11:30 and i could go pick up the boys. when i got to them brooks was content with who was holding him and carson wasn't crying but could not have been more excited to see me. i talked with the ladies who watched them some more who again, reassured me that this happens to everyone that it will just take time but they will come to love it and they hoped i would come back next time. by the time i got home i was wiped out and it was only noon. i could have easily opened an adult beverage to ease my nerves, but i didn't. i took off brooks's cute little shoes (the little robeez ones) and come to find out that i had gotten his little toe caught up in one of the elastic bands and the circulation was being cut off. his toe was purple and on fire. this is why he was so upset, his toe hurt! this is why i had to go back and check on him and then carson sees me and starts to cry. (well, i still think he would have started to cry after a bit but not nearly as bad as it was). i wanted to go back and tell everyone that my kids don't have this weird attachment to me, it was brooks's toe! i could not believe it. but, it did teach me that yes, i need to get them out more and playing with other kids. so yes, i will go back and yes, they will probably cry but it will get a little bit better each time, right?