Stand
Alright, I pulled myself out of my slump I have been in for a few days. I really thought that I had been doing pretty good the last few weeks but all of the sudden I just lost it. I was talking to a friend at the wedding I went to about all we have been through and I started crying because damnit none of this is fair! The problem is that is the first time I have really said it out loud to anybody but myself. I need to say it more instead of telling everyone I am OK. I miss my son. I wish he was here every second of every day. I don't understand why any of this had to happen but it did. I need to realize that it is OK to feel like this. Sometimes I think I am Super Woman or something. I'm entitled to feel like crap somedays. I'll tell you though, going and seeing Carson helps me pull it together. I wish all of you could meet him in person. What a wonderful little miracle he is!
To get myself feeling better I listen to what I call my theme song. It's "Stand" by Rascal Flats. One day as I was driving to the hospital at the beginning of all of this and it was on the radio. I had heard the song before but never really listened to it. I started to pay attention to the song and I had goose bumps. I felt like it was exactly how I was feeling. Now whenever I am feeling down I turn it up and sing along. Thank God no one can hear me! Here are some of the words:
You feel like a candle in a hurricane
Just like a picture with a broken frame
Alone and helpless like you’ve lost your fight
But you’ll be alright, you’ll be alright
Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you’re made of
You might bend ‘til you break
Cause it’s all you can take
On your knees you look up
Decide you’ve had enough
You get mad, you get strong
Wipe your hands, shake it off
Then you stand, then you stand
Life’s like a novel with the end ripped out
The edge of canyon with only one way down
Take what you’re given before it’s gone
And start holdin’ on, keep holdin’ on
Every time you get up and get back in the race
One more small piece of you starts to fall into place
Thanks to everyone who left me messages and e-mails after yesterday's post and to all of you who just prayed for me. ALL of you mean so much to me.
To get myself feeling better I listen to what I call my theme song. It's "Stand" by Rascal Flats. One day as I was driving to the hospital at the beginning of all of this and it was on the radio. I had heard the song before but never really listened to it. I started to pay attention to the song and I had goose bumps. I felt like it was exactly how I was feeling. Now whenever I am feeling down I turn it up and sing along. Thank God no one can hear me! Here are some of the words:
You feel like a candle in a hurricane
Just like a picture with a broken frame
Alone and helpless like you’ve lost your fight
But you’ll be alright, you’ll be alright
Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you’re made of
You might bend ‘til you break
Cause it’s all you can take
On your knees you look up
Decide you’ve had enough
You get mad, you get strong
Wipe your hands, shake it off
Then you stand, then you stand
Life’s like a novel with the end ripped out
The edge of canyon with only one way down
Take what you’re given before it’s gone
And start holdin’ on, keep holdin’ on
Every time you get up and get back in the race
One more small piece of you starts to fall into place
Thanks to everyone who left me messages and e-mails after yesterday's post and to all of you who just prayed for me. ALL of you mean so much to me.
Comments
Hang in there kiddo. No one expects you to be super woman. You have experienced more pain this year than most people will experience in a life time. Be good to yourself....love yourself....cut yourself the same slack you would cut anyone else.
Hugs and prayers,
Caroline
You and Andrew are so strong and I so admire both of you. You will continue to cope with the set backs, but once Carson is home, you can put it all behind you and finally move forward!
Stay positive and be there for Carson and each other.
We are thinking about you and enjoyed hanging out the other night.
Scott and Casey
I haven't been able to check the blog in a few days-but this morning I am praying hard for you and your family. You certainly deserve to vent and let it all out-you have done an amazing job of holding it all together. You and Andrew are going to be wonderful parents-Carson is so lucky. I can't imagine what you've been through-I only know that somehow, someway this will make you stronger and prepare you for the journey that lies ahead. Keep being strong in your faith and singing that song-I think it describes perfectly what you guys are going through. Kudos to you for going out there and facing life head on. You are both doing a wonderful job-hugs and prayers...
Love, Megann and David Cain
I have read your posts since Day One but have never responded. You and Andrew have been in my thoughts and prayers every single day! Your Carson is absolutely precious!
Love,
Linda Emerick
If anyone deserves a down day it is you! The way you bounced back is an inspiration to all of us.
We think of you all daily. Keep up the hard work, it really is paying off.
Keep the faith!! I know it is helping you move forward. Our prayers are headed your way.
Karen Jackson
Give Carson an extra squeeze (but not while he's eating!) and live in the "right now." Don't worry about next week, just look at that tiny little face and know that you're moving forward!
I can't wait for photos in the newly-painted nursery - That room won't be empty for long!
The bottle-feeding prayer marathon continues!
-Adrienne
I pray for you guys every day. You are an extremely strong and positive person, but even then, you need to be able to let out the emotions and frustrations. I have heard from others how amazing the NICU is to both the parents and babies. After going through such emotional periods there, they do become family. I haven't read your blog for a couple of weeks, but it's amazing at how well you are doing. When you need strength, just look at how far Carson has come.
Lisa Rudowitz Share
Beth Vaughan
One day, Carson is going to hear lots of stories about just how wonderful his mum and dad are, from all of us who are in the know!
Lots of love,
Lisa