:( Poor Me
I am quickly loosing any patience and faith I had left! Everyday I wake up and think and pray that today will be the day that Carson gets the whole bottle thing and they will send us home. And then reality sets in when I am trying desperately to get him to finish the bottle only to have him poop out around half way through. I leave the hospital feeling just a little more defeated than I did the day before. I am so ready to have my son home and to be able to do normal things and be a normal family. I think we deserve that by now! I feel like I am missing out on so much with him. This really sucks!
I went to a friends wedding this weekend and as I watched to two of them reciting their vows I remembered when Andrew and I got married. I miss that feeling of thinking our lives were going to be perfect, that nothing bad would ever happen to us. I wish I could go back to that day and feel that way again. If only our lives would turn out the way we all picture them to be. I need to get over feeling sorry for myself, just one of those days I guess. Maybe tonight will be the turning point for Carson, we shall see. I'll let you all know if it happens...
I went to a friends wedding this weekend and as I watched to two of them reciting their vows I remembered when Andrew and I got married. I miss that feeling of thinking our lives were going to be perfect, that nothing bad would ever happen to us. I wish I could go back to that day and feel that way again. If only our lives would turn out the way we all picture them to be. I need to get over feeling sorry for myself, just one of those days I guess. Maybe tonight will be the turning point for Carson, we shall see. I'll let you all know if it happens...
Comments
So good to see you this weekend. I know it was a bit overwhelming seeing all of us at one time.
I know how you feel about going back to that time of your vows, when everything ahead was rosie. But that is also what the vow, in good times and bad is about. Cherish the fact that you have someone that loves you, loves Cooper & Carson, and truly knows how you feel to get you through these tough days. It really will make your marriage stronger. Remember what the toast said... may the day you marry be the day that you loved each other the least...
Much Love to you!
Christy
You are absolutely entitled to a
"poor me" day! You've been so strong and positive the past few months...it's okay to have days like this! We are all thinking about you, Andrew and Carson and praying that he will be well and home soon! P.S. I FIANALLY mailed the gifts last Friday, they are in a huge vaccum box so don't worry- that is just the only box that fit. Hang in there!
I'd worry about you if you didn't have a "poor me" day every so often...
Hang in there -- Sending lots of love,
Lisa
Love Ya!
Bridget
Here's to swishing your toes!
Love,
Rachel, James and Dash
"Vent on the blog,
Don't kick the dog."
Hang in there, better days coming.
Love,
Jeff
Poor little guy's hardly had time to practice! I looked back through the blog and his first bottle was June 3rd -- That's only 2 weeks ago! Don't look too far ahead, you're both doing great and he's come so far in a short time. He'll be home soon sharing his bottles with Bo (eeewww dog-spit pacifiers!).
-Adrienne
You have every right to feel as you do & there is nothing wrong for feeling this way. There WILL be some good that comes from this. You ARE bonding with Carson & have a closeness to him that you NEVER would have had if he had come home right away. Now, you watch him sleep & eat (when he does), watch his every move, you know him inside-out. When you bring a baby home, you don't do these kind of things as intense as you do now -- when they nap, you scramble to get things done, you rest yourself, you talk on the phone & catch up with frriends & family, etc. Yes, these are the NORMAL things that most mothers do. BUT, they don't know their baby in the intimate way that you now know your little Carson. Again, the closer you get to going home -- & each day that passes, you ARE one day CLOSER-- the harder it will be & the more frustrating days you will feel. But please know, this is normal!! These days will help see you through the trying days that he will eventually put you through as he grows up. These days will give you far more patience with him down the road.
Hang in there! I know you don't really know much about me, but in VERY tiny ways I understand a little of the utter helplessness & frustration you feel. These days WILL pass! You are so brave, even though you may not feel like it most days. Carson is TRULY blessed to have such a WONDERFUL mother!!!
Lisa White
You have so faithfully poured out your hopes, joys, sorrows, anguish,deep loss of Cooper with such a tender,sweet spirit, vulnerability & pleads for prayers for Carson to feed, nourish, flourish and GO Home. It must seem like an eternity since you started this blog, lying on your back for 3 weeks to delay their delivery. You have every right to pity,even anger & frustration; & they are healthy forms of venting your grief and exhaustion. David in the Psalms poured out his heart over injustices,abandonment by his son, death,fleeing & utter exhaustion. Your Abba Daddy wants you to curl up in His arms & rub your face against that Royal purple robe & see Cooper resting beside you there. He's fully restored to wholeness, has Great GrandPa Duckett riding him on his tractor, GreatGrandMa Duckett cooking Andrew's favorite foods & pushing Cooper high enough on the rope swing for his toes to tickle the clouds.He remembers Grandmas Eileen & Carol rocking beside him. If you could only see him now!! Jesus says: even when you don't have ANY strength or Hope left,I will send the comforter Holy Spirit who groans & intercedes on your behalf your deepest needs. I, Jehovah Jireh, your provider will see to your every need even before you ask it. PRO is Greek for being FOR not against you and VIDE is rootword for VIDEO to see.Just as Abraham was raising the knife to kill his own son,Isaac, in obedience Jehovah Jireh provided a ram caught in the thicket as a substitute sacrifice. So many have written comments in the past and now we have failed to tell you how we've weeped, experienced depression & continued to support, love and pray for you three."Open your mouth wide and I will fill it" is a scripture we'll pray that Carson will indeed be hungry,eager and filled up w/your breastmilk or the perfect formula to "send him packin" War Eagle style. "When anxious thoughts stir within me, Your consolations soothe my soul" That's my prayer for you, Lauren. I have 2 quilted balls for the boys w/their names & birthdays in calligraphy & a soft blue blanket I'm hoping to get to Eileen for you to bring Carson home in. Holy Innocents had a terrific baseball season & I know Andrew will teach Carson to be a strong athlete like himself and his Dad, Phil. Blessings that so many love & know you intimately now. Love Wrenda Crain
First....here's a hug.
Please know that you're feelings are justified and NORMAL. Only when you get on the other side of all of this will you understand the life lessons learned. Been there, done that. Right now, this just bites, stinks, sucks...and every other crummy word I can think of. My advice is to find a way to get this energy out and do it OFTEN. Whether it's crying, screaming, running or writing here, just let it out.
Do they think that Carson's bottling issue is mechanical or just lack of stamina? If it may be mechanical, you could always ask for him to be seen by a speech therapist who specializes in feeding issues. They had them in our hospital in Minnesota and Madeline never would have "gotten it" without their help. Granted her issues are different than Carson's but they all drink the same way. Anyway, just a thought....
Hugs and prayers!!! Hang in there.
Caroline
My mom just showed me this site and words cannot desicribe how I feel and I can't imagine what you have felt, happiness and sadness. You and Andrew are incredible people for everything have had been through since you had Carson and Cooper. After reading your "blogs", my time spent hundreds of feet underwater seems tiny compared to what you both have been through. Actually, it is you three. I am sorry that I couldn't be there for you and Andrew through all these hard times but I have prayed for you and the boys since the day I heard there would be no more dogs, just twins. Wow! Not just twins, two beautiful baby boys. I am so sorry to hear about Cooper and I really look forward to seeing and meeting Carson. You and Andrew have already shown everyone that you truely are amazing parents. Sure miss you both and love you tons,
Chad Brown